Drunk with Presence
I am drunk with reality. Drunk with the truth of what is before me, however boring or vibrant it is.
Not the case when I was 22 or 26 or 29. Not the case the night before Jan 1 2019. Probably not even really the day of Jan 1 2019 when my body was still full of all the booze from the night before and I slept long and late in an Airbnb licking the wounds of a decision to go sober for the year of 2019 starting that day. Which it did start. It started and it has gone and now it is June 5 2020 and I am, well, drunk with the reality of presence and memory.
If ever there was a time to recount the beauty of drunkenness, now seems like the time. It’s raining outside right now, raining a summer rain onto my parents house in Aiken, SC. I went outside and smelled the fresh water and watched the light change from sunny to muted haze and thought - I feel drunk with this pretty reality. How lovely.
And then i remember what real drunkenness felt like and confirmed my feeling - i feel that same drunk but i feel it as a wash of presence. Neat.
I like it. I feel confident i can continue to excavate these feelings of loopyness while still sober. Let’s remember the joy, the sweetness of drinking is the wash of freedom that comes to you when the red wine or gin or old fashioned sinks into your blood flow and relaxes the tissue around your temples and it is as if I’ve sat into a hot springs cloud tub, full of tender hyperness and seduced flirtation. Ya. i do miss drinking. But being able to write it totally sober feels more delightful then journaling about it the day after when the black out snippets of mistakes and lost receipts weigh down my typing hand.
No, this is better.
My friend scott told me the other day, he said,
“now that you’re good with the whole sober thing, I can tell me how much fun you were when you drank. You were fun. Really really fun.” - I nodded.
“Ya, I turned into someone else didn’t I?”
“No it was you just a heightened and rule breaking goddess you”
“Ya well…” I thought and I think it’s a wonder we have a life that is different everyday and that we can still be surprised by the presence of presence. Drinking it all in is a wonder.
