a day in September of last year

What does it mean
Crying in the bathroom
Leaning
on the linoleum plastic wall
35000 feet in the air

I think about the lost nights and the IVs
The views that got stuck by intruders
Interrupted by abusers
And the wasted pull of alcohol and love
No sex pointless intercourse
I let so many people inside
They didn’t even buy a ticket

I drank bottles of sadness and defeat
I ate pounds of sugar and pushed back so many feelings

What was I what was I what was I
What did I need to say then
Is it still inn me or did I loose it

I can’t go back now
I can’t go back there
Those Years

Im surrounded by Nora ephron
Elton and red haired mystery
Words floating in my head that catch waves
And sometimes I can ride them
Sometimes I can find them
separate from the sea of wonder….wonder is it it
is no maybe, wonder is open ended.

I have a sea of rolling emotion and words that
can’t find a frame or. box or a pinpoint to land on

No no no yes yes yes yes saying it is harder than
thinking it but then thinking it is harder than
feeling it.

My skin, my eyes, my scars, the pain I caused
The choices my choices my life of choices

Why did I decide to do it
To do pain on me
Why did.i need things that didn’t need me

Why do I put off the joy that could be

Blindness and escape
I think we think those are more fun.

That the reality of silence and not knowing
If we are making the right breath
Or making the right death ooooo I meant breath
Why did I type death
Making the breath worth it
Whether we are choosing death or breath in an
instant, I am wondering...death and breath are the
same as we breath to not die and die if we don’t
breath.

wine just got put beside me
Elton has been sober for 28 years

I need to just work on my show. My voice
Work work work
The pull of focus it feels like a push and a train I
am on that I can’t get off I don’t know the stop to
get off at

But money
Money money

the death of it all and the need for the breath
But also our world is ending and it is my fault
I don’t do enough we don’t do enough
We all want to be something. I’m struggling
To find the source of a theme I’m circling
To act, actor, to tell a story, is that anything
The playing

And in good roles or bad, I have a something to say

A something