July Goals -- Kidd Blinking
It’s too much sometimes. All the ideas in my head and my heart and my spirit. Sometimes the idea hits all three spots, but usually an idea hits one thing at a time and I don’t know what to focus on… my head, my heart, or my spirit. Tonight, I’ll focus on an idea screaming from the imperial spot - my spirit.
How can we be so cavernous that one little twinkle of a vision coming from somewhere magical - the magic of consciousness - can cause so many echos across the whole of each of our own existence? A single thought can rock the whole of everything we ever knew. Ideas echo forever, we can’t un-think an idea, for better or for worse. And the screaming..this Echo that continues screaming long after I’ve owned up and announced it out loud...I got to dig into it immediately.
And what is out loud these days? Now that our world is packed full of stages and podiums, how do I share anything out loud in a true, vulnerable, risk-positive fashion? Everything I put in a social media channel feels false in some shadow of a way, even without me having that intention. Posting feels either promotional or self-glorifying, neither of which are usually the point of any of my ideas. And what do I mean by ideas? I like the word art as it is encompassing but also minuet, and the word art is on strings, moved by the word Purpose. And that is what I am after. Purposeful sharing of definitive and interesting ideas that might might make the world a more interesting place.
To get into it, I want to be a person who makes the world, this world we are all inside of, a more interesting one. Not better, not happier, not any blank adjective that feels like small talk. I want to real talk affect the world in a challenging and surprising way. So that, when I do die, echos of my Me can still be heard, quietly bouncing against the caverns of generations to come. Hopefully, anyway.
Here are some definitions to help guide what I mean by certain words I use on this canvas. That is the first one. I want a canvas to share words, poems, ideas, research, confessions, revelations, and the in between bone marrow of the life I am leading. I do not want to paint this canvas with any focus of the puny term “influencer” because I don’t care to be labeled as that ever. I also don’t want any sort of boundary in terms of labels like blogger or vlogger. Both of those terms have shied me away from sharing ideas in the past. I tend to go up stream, I’m suspicious of things that are too easy, I don’t want to be like everyone else, and I won’t shame or guilt other people to make myself feel better, and I don’t need anyone to tell me I’m worth it or deserve anything. I know I deserve it and I’ll keep working hard to own up to it. These are still definitions of things I care about and don’t and some of the main reasons why I have pushed back on truly sharing who I am inside of a space online. Because, let’s be real, this canvas will be online. I need to embrace that and use the internet for the good it does do - it brings people together. And I want to be a part of the party. I am allowed to do it my own way, I have to remind myself that and…
I won’t deign to believe I have the answers on how to live life. I will dare to believe I have the answers on how to live my life. And if these answers provide perspective, reflection or, on the off chance, guidance, then so be it and yay.
This paragraph is for me and I’m writing it here so I can make myself truly believe that:
I am worthy of sharing ideas and thoughts and feelings out to mass people I don’t know
I can do this because I feel a strong pull of purpose to sharing my views on living, however grand or tiny the ways may be, so that I might make the world a tad more interesting.
By interesting I mean to challenge or surprise folks, perhaps inspire a bit more curiosity and wonderment as I also challenge myself to do the same
So this waiting for some sign, some guiding light to tell me how to share all the things I’m thinking and feeling, the echos in my head, I don’t need to wait for anything I can just do it all by myself, WITH fear of failure and inability. I can do so with purpose and without agenda inside a black canvas I own and that others can walk by and perhaps, take a peek at.
After doing a sound bath meditation tonight (4/26/19) and feeling huge resistance in letting go, not being ok with being ok, having dark visions of resentment and dreams of broken moments, after feeling all of this in a room where I was supposed to feel cleansed and whole, I came home (ate chocolate and watched a bad movie) and realized while brushing my teeth in despair, that the resistance is from this Echoed thought, this one I’ve been circling and circling — GET IT OUT THERE NOW AND STOP HIDING.
So, let’s stop hiding and be ok with not being ok. Because we are ok well we are better than that, we are all super interesting! I mean, come on, we are made up of invisible caverns and magic consciousness…we are extraordinary.
